nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
