I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
