My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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