the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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