Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
A bitchslap is in order.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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