The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
