When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
