My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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