My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
