I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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