you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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