his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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