i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
