I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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