Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
