Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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