I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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