the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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