Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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