when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
