And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
