Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Its about making memories worth repressing
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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