Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
