i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You took a bar mat shot.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I supernannyed him into submission
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
