I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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