GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
