Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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