i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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