i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
