Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
