I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
