It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
