i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
