We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
