she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
