So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
