my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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