My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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