He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
