im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
