This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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