That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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