I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
