I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
