There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
