Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
