I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
