rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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