matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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