there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You are the jesus of drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
