I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
